Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
whelp that’s enough instagram for today