Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
In Canada they just call them geese
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.