“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems