Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
🍛
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.