Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I want this so bad
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My daily affirmation
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”