That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
You Might Also Like
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Just ordered me some pizza!