My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
You Might Also Like
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.