Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.