7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*