ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
🤣🤣🤣
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
How funny!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]