Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!