Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
You Might Also Like
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me