Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in