Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
called in thicc to work this morning
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.