Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
men are simple creatures
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose