Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.