[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*