When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*