I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
This cat wants you to take your pills
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*