Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
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Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.