4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
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sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
United Steaks of America
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.