I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I gave up going to work for lent.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!