Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING