[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?