Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My sex drive has a dui
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
😂😂😂
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.