Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
You Might Also Like
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then