i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
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A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.