All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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Everyone’s family
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
This is why I hate group projects
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.