Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.