My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.