[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?