You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The Onion called it…again.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”