FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
That’s easy for you to say
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Had an epiphany today.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd