Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
In space, no one can hear…