ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.