Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*