[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
awesome draft from months ago i just found
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?