I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
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I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You had me at “define legal”.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.