“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
what could possibly go wrong?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now