I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I falcon love using swear birds
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.