How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
What?!?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.