Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.