Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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