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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*