Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Life cycle of cat
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.