A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.