“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
You Might Also Like
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM