If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.