Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.