WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
You are not alone 💚
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Ken is short for chicken
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.